When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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