the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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