Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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