yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
