Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
