My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
