I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
