Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
