You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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