I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
