You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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