and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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