Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
