Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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