I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
