i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
