I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
