also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
zippers are such a cool invention
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
birth control should be required to get into college
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
