Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
mondays should just be called national damage control day
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
