apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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