My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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