The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
