so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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