I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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