I'm going to rape someone's good day.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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