Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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