You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
