Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
