Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
