why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
