Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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