so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
