Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You ate ashes out of my bong
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
