nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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