I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
