I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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