she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
