If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
A bitchslap is in order.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
