Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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