1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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