so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
