I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
