A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
