his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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