and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
