I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Let's get the cat blown out
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
