laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
