Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
