Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
