if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
