guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
