wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
