Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
