It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
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