please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
